How to have the relationship you want will largely depend on the situation you are in right now. You may currently be looking for new love, in which case you should take a look at part one of this series, you may be caught up in a negative relationship, or perhaps you’re involved in a relationship that could be better. Whatever your situation, you can have the relationship you want.
How to Have the Relationship You Want – And How to Know When to Walk Away
So you want to improve your relationship but you have one big hurdle: your partner’s behaviour. So, when things aren’t going right, how do you get your partner to help change things for the better?
To be honest, the first thing you need to do is to ask yourself if your current relationship is based on reciprocated-partner-love? If the answer is yes, you can aim to get your relationship to a better place.
Make sure also that your relationship isn’t based on pity-love or friendship-love as neither of these will lead to truly fulfilling partnerships, unless of course it’s a conscious choice to live with a friend or look after a loved one.
Disappointment comes from mistaken expectations, so as long as you’re honest with yourself, it’s okay. Just don’t stay in a relationship thinking it’s romantic love when actually it’s sympathy, for example. Make sure you know what you’re dealing with.
If you’re not having a good time in your relationship, it may not be easy to really know whether your love is real or even if your partner has real-partner-love for you. I mean, how many different types of love are there? Why do we only have one word for so many different emotions?
Don’t worry too much about what kind of love you share, just make sure that you’re honest with each other about your love.
Think about whether your relationship is this way (i.e. less than you’d like) because your partner wants or expects it to be like that (controlling you for example) – or because you’ve both slipped into bad habits together.
If you’ve become used to shouting at each other for example, the relationship can be saved only when you undo the toxic habits and replace them with new behavioural patterns.
Changing long term habits takes a lot of work and dedication, but it can be done.
It’s difficult to do without your partner’s help, though this too is possible. How to create change in your partner without his or her contribution is a whole subject in its own right and too huge to go into depth here.
Recognise however, that if you’re in the habit of shouting at each other or disrespecting each other, you have three options: ask your partner to join you in changing your reality by working together; go deep into psychology to trigger different behavioural patterns from your partner, or walk away.
Remember that nothing’s impossible.
At the same time, try to be honest with your evaluation. If your partner (for example) shouts all the time and has little sign of changing, what have you done to expect anything different now?
meanwhile, Don’t tell everyone everything negative
If you’re caught in an unhappy relationship, don’t black-mouth your partner to everyone you meet. This will just allow you to vent your frustrations and then carry on accepting it. Instead, use your frustrations to help build a plan of action within. Confide only in people you trust, but keep it private.
If you tell everyone and anyone about the negative behaviour of your partner, your words reflect your participation and acceptance, encouraging more of the same behaviour.
You’re supporting the actions by blaming your partner publicly yet continuing to be the receiver. And this just compounds the situation and gives the bad behaviour permission to be continued.
It takes two to create a situation. Remember that you’re always responsible for your life. You can’t change other people, but you can change what you accept from them. And you can change your reactions.
Change how you prioritise your happiness and you change everything. Really, by changing yourself your partner will have no choice but to also adapt his or her behaviour because the other half of the puzzle (you) has changed.
Align your thoughts, your beliefs, your desires and your actions and say NO to an unhappy relationship. Be persistent. Be strong.
You deserve to be treated well. You deserve the best.
Be honest with yourself
You should be honest with yourself if you’re caught up in a negative relationship where you or your partner are regularly disrespecting the other or are staying together out of fear or tolerance, instead of love.
Ask yourself: do we choose to stay together? Or do we just stay together because that’s what we’re used to?
If you aren’t choosing to stay together perhaps it’s time to move on. For both of your sakes.
You may not know all the answers, but don’t worry, by asking yourself the questions you’ll begin to get a better insight into your relationship.
Some things can be changed and some people want to change, but only you can know whether your partner can become a loving, positive influence in your life.
If the answer’s no, then finding a way to break free and move forward with your life can be the best solution for both of you. At the same time, it’s important to give some compromise and appreciate your partner’s good side. None of us are perfect, the question is, can you gain some love and joy from being together?
This is YOUR life
Only you can decide whether you’re making the right decision. Don’t let anybody rob you of your time here in this life. And if you do let them, they aren’t actually robbing you, because it’s your own actions letting them do so.
Quite simply, you have to put yourself first and make decisions for your future and when you do that, then you’ll see how you really can have the relationship you want in life. While you make the decision for yourself, you will come to understand how important your partner is.
Maintain your own energy levels
If you’re with a negative partner and you want change your life, start by maintaining your own level of energy at a much higher vibration than your partner’s. Do as much as you can to keep yourself inspired and motivated and happy, and hang on to those feelings as though they were precious gold dust.
This can be difficult to do of course because your partner is in the habit of pulling your down with him. But try to do it. Try to be independent of the negative influence of your partner.
Find ways to avoid him or her when he’s in a bad mood or looking to get at you. Practise keeping your positivity as high as possible.
Talk to your partner
If it’s possible, tell your partner that you want to have a loving relationship, to live a life without the stress you both share. Ask him or her if she is also ready to put in some time and energy to change your relationship-dynamics.
His or her reaction will speak worlds. Does he show genuine sadness and want to discuss a plan of action to create change?
Or does he get angry, illustrating your point that the relationship’s stressed? Or does he display emotional behaviour designed to blackmail you to stay?
Ending the relationship
It’s always difficult to hurt someone’s feelings and tell them that it’s over even if they’re verbally abusive. It’s even harder if you share a home and children together. But there’s nothing to be gained if you stay together for years when the love’s gone.
On the other hand you don’t want to give up on your partner just because you’re frustrated. As we get older we come to realise the special magic that we have within a relationship. If that partner becomes difficult, be sure to interrogate and analyse yourself before you discard the one person who could be a blessing in your life.
If there’s nothing positive left, then staying for the sake of the children would mean you give your children the role model of accepting an unhappy relationship. Ask yourself, if your kids were grown up and married to spouses who didn’t treat them properly, would you want them to stay in that relationship? That’s the message you’re sending to your children if you stay in an unhealthy relationship too long.
Staying because it’s too difficult to confront your partner with the message that it’s over may seem simple for now, but if your relationship is emotionally over, in the long term, you gain nothing and you let years of your life slip by.
You may find that you can separate relatively easily once you’ve become the positive person you want to be because you’ll no longer resonate with your partner and because you no longer accept the verbal abuse.
Or you may have to go through difficult times to end the relationship. Breaking up is never easy. Just know that if you have to do it it’s because you don’t want to accept your current situation.
don’t give up
Keep focussed on the positive life you’re claiming for yourself. Don’t be scared to let your close friends help you during your break up. Everyone needs support at difficult times.
It’s better to have a traumatic 6 months than lose 6 or 10 years of your life (or more) because you couldn’t bring yourself to say goodbye.
The bottom line will always rest with you. Is your relationship still salvageable? Or has it deteriorated and crossed the point of no return?
check the following points:
- Do you love your partner? If so, do you also love (accept) his or her behaviour?
- Does your partner love you? Does he or she treat you well?
- On what level is the love? Would he/she desire the best for you?
- Is your partner with you because of habit or convenience?
- Is he/she betraying you, belittling you, humiliating you or in any other way disrespecting you?
- Do you like each other’s behaviour?
- Do you share activities together?
- Will your partner look after you, support you, cherish you?
- Will you do the same for your partner?
Answer the questions honestly and be prepared to listen to yourself honestly too. It’s all too easy to close the blinkers and carry on. If your partner’s behaviour is not so good but you feel secure that deep down you both want to change your relationship, you can.
But if not, you need to get strong and plan how to get out of your relationship. Think about whether your partner is completely used to and accepting of the abusive/unhappy situation you’re both in, and if he/she is, you have to get out.
It may mean you running away, or leaving – or it may mean asking your partner to leave. Either way, face it bravely and know that as hard as it might be now, your future belongs to you. Claim it back. Don’t take risks. If your partner is abusive, seek the help of someone you trust before you leave.
after you’ve separated
When you’ve managed to get away from your negative relationship, think about how you see yourself and what treatment you believe you deserve from someone else.
If you’ve been in a bad relationship, the last thing you want is to start another one in the same way. And unless you change something in YOU, you could end up repeating the cycle.
So take the time to dig deep and question your core beliefs about your self-worth. Use self hypnosis to help change your inner beliefs and boost your confidence. You’re an amazing person and you can have a happy relationship. You can have the relationship you want.
By spending some time and energy on yourself you can learn how to have the relationship you want in life and how to be happy,
This can take some real soul searching and/or meditating to get to your core beliefs and change them. But remember you must learn to Love yourself first.
Everyone deserves the BEST
Just not everyone knows it. So if you find yourself thinking you deserve anything less than the best, you need to work on that core belief to change it.
Accepting disrespectful behaviour from others may stem from low self esteem and may be linked back to your childhood memories or previous relationship issues that you carry around with you hard-wired into your nervous system and behavioural patterns.
By becoming aware of these issues, you can start to move beyond them.
The self work needed to improve your self esteem and learn to truly love yourself is worth its weight in gold and may be a long but enjoyable journey of self discovery.
So don’t give up! And never stop loving yourself. Because only then will you be able to truly love someone else and have them love you.